The Many Follies Of My Co-Traveller (I)

If you are a traveller or a Flight Attendant, you will agree with me that a lot of drama happens in the Cabin, right from the boarding phase, in the air and after landing….

Here is an interesting and hilarious experience written by Folake Oyetosho.

The arduous journey began from the Lagos international airport where every dignified tout in military and paramilitary apparel thought it their human right to tax or levy passengers for money and increase the hardship associated with the run of the mill and not-better-than-a-cowshed facility disguised as an airport.

Sweaty, irritated and with a nagging migraine, I wore a mask of death on my face to ward off intending tax collectors and would be patronisers.

Then I heard the long and loud hiss. Unmistakably, a market woman type and one longing for gutter banters. I turned and sighted the source of the incoming comedy.

A woman no better dressed than a masquerade and one who wore make up – heavy and unblended. I smiled, then said a silent prayer : Almighty God, may this lady not be on the same flight as me.

It was a prayer not to be answered…

The object of my derision would soon begin true to type. She cursed loudly in Yoruba at the security guy who stood close as she was being frisked, “ogun lo ma a pa e, kilode to fi ese gba mi?” (May Ogun – Yoruba god of iron smite you for hitting me on the leg .

The invectives shot through the airwaves and almost everyone turned. The stupefied security guy could only shake his head in horror. I was gobsmacked; if it wasn’t serious, it would have been funny !

Madam masquerade, at this time, was struggling with at least four carry on items – cabin bag and three other plastic bags strapped around her huge frame. Typical.

Past Ndlea and going towards the boarding gate, she was overheard hissing severally at every question posed by officials.

It was going to be a long night…and it was.

As soon as I saw her coming towards the same waiting area as I was, I left. I wasn’t going to be short of breath yet or become deaf from nagging, complaints and endless noisy banters.

Boarding came pretty soon and of course, as coach riders, there’s very little dignity in that cabin. I busied myself on my phone and consciously avoided eye contacts with even row mates. I wasn’t in a social mood; I just wanted to arrive Cairo.

She then boarded. Even the deaf could hear her as she had the unmistaken aura of “Fijabi, the Queen”. Fijabi, being a name in Yoruba and literally translated as, “born with strife”.

The name depicts a cantankerous fellow, quarrelsome and one relentless in disturbing public peace and constituting a huge nuisance. You know this type.

Strutting high level decibel noise, she was pushy, aggressive and highly impatient. A scene of horror. But I quickly recovered and returned back to my phone.

If this were a Nigerian flight, all the crew members, would have been reciting Psalm 23 or my favourite Quranic passage – chapter 94:5-6. (And yes, I’ve read the Quran severally to balance my sense of judgement and have clearer understanding of both religions).

Then I heard the cat calls, followed by the unmistakeable husky voice. “Eskis, eskis, iz my seat that you are sitting on”. My ears shall not behold evil. Not me, sweet Jesus. Not me !

I didn’t dare look up. Relentlessly, she chirped in Yoruba, “abi eti n’dun eleyi ni?” (Is this person deaf?)

No response from me still.

She would then have the animal boldness to tap me.

I smiled wryly while fuming with rage. I muttered to myself, “arabinrin yii, mo sa fun e to o”. (This lady, i have done my best to flee from you). She repeated herself and I responded by asking her to verify from her boarding pass, as I was sure I was on the right side.

Madam Fijabi, hesitated then complied. It turned out to be her error. She was assigned the adjacent row. And she walked away. No apologies, nothing. The Queen of Ijongbon kingdom…

Madam Fijabi would begin her theatrics and comical acts as soon as we got airborne. Being assigned an over wing seat with no other passengers, gave her an audacious wing to fly in her space of madness.

To be continued…

Written by : Folake Oyetosho

A writer, Flight Attendant and Procedures Manager.

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